This message brought to you by the Hungarian Joint Ministries of Tourism and Alcoholism.As far as I can tell, all the hostels are tucked away in converted apartments in which real human beings still reside.
Has anyone seen my red gym shorts? Oh, there they are.My hostel, as I'm sure is the case with others, even has an angry cat lady who lives downstairs and gets mad when hostel rats ash their cigarettes into her courtyard. Relax, lady.
[Unintelligible Magyar profanities]
So I hook up with a couple of fellow rats -- one, a nice vanilla South African whom everyone keeps mistaking for Australian; the other, a know-it-all Columbian with aobnoxiously stereotypical y=j accent ("Jou know what I saying, mang?") -- and, upon the advice of the caretaker, head to a club called Szimpla.
Has anyone seen my three pet bunnies? Oh, there they are. On the ceiling.Now I don't know if this place technically counts as "underground," but it certainly was fuck hard to find. Tucked through a few alleys, past more than a few hobos, and through a long corridor ending with one of those dirty plastic dividers they use in walk-in freezers, Szimpla is worth searching for.
The decor appears to be the result of years of laborious dumpster diving, and the women appear to be the result of years of successful eugenic research.
Has anyone seen my two ridiculously hot Hungarian girlfriends? Oh, there they are.Seriously, Hungarian girls are hot. Porn star hot. They are so hot, in fact, that I find myself pounding pilsners to find the courage to actually talk to them.
Big mistake.
Not only is Magyar arguably the most ludicrous language on the planet, but the girls can actually use it to confound and alienate the hell out of unwelcome suitors. The few English phrases these girls appear to have learned equate roughly to "fuck off."
I do draw the attention of one woman, however: a drunken, rambunctious, disease-ridden hellhound, whom I suspect of giving me Hungarian AIDS by coughing into my beer and kicking me in the bum repeatedly.
Avoiding staring directly at her for as long as possible, I finally have to tell this medusa that I will slice her fucking head off if she comes near me again. She smiles wickedly and saunters off to the next poor bastard dumb enough to make eye contact.
Now I have Hungarian AIDS. Great.
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