Anyway, so because of this nasty start to my day, I was absolutely loathing the idea of getting up, and forcing my brain to work long enough to even walk the 5 feet from my bed to the computer, let alone making a post here. I started thinking that I have less than 24 hours now to begin my Script Frenzy challenge, and how unprepared I feel for it. I have that same excited, anxious anticipation that I did the night before I started NaNoWriMo. I'm excited to start writing, because I believe in my story and my writing abilities. But I'm so afraid that I won't finish the challenge, or that my writing will suck and I'll get stuck. I started panicking. I got out my notepad and started plotting out my story in every little detail, from what I want the set to look like, how the lights should be, sound effects, even what I want the costumes to look like. I started writing down everything but the dialog itself {which I can't start yet. I'm not cheating!}. Having so much theater time under my belt already, I have a pretty good idea of what our team is capable of and what is actually doable. I'm the "Sound Girl" at the theater, and have over 100 hours of volunteer time doing JUST sound. That doesn't include all of the time I've spent as an actress, a set builder/painter, or even operating the light board and helping with getting the lights set up. I even designed a GOBO for a show once. So, in my mind, I have a pretty good idea of what the incredible people at our theater would be able to do, if our director really does allow me to direct it here.
That in itself adds a whole 'nother weight to my shoulders. I was told that "if my play is any good", several people will back me up and vote to have it actually preformed. While that is a huge honor and I would love to see my words and characters come to life, I'm terrified of it. Not of directing it, or anything like that, but my Inner Editor flung a new set of self-doubts at me. What if I really do suck? What if they hate it? What if, what if, what if?
And then, while surfing google images, I came across this picture. Make Writing Fun. I stopped and read it over and over again, like my brain couldn't comprehend what it was reading. Writing really is supposed to be FUN. It's not a chore that has to be done, even if it is a job to some authors. It's not supposed to be something that you procrastinate because you just don't want to do it. It's not cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry. Writing, to me, should be something that makes you get out of bed in the morning and be excited that today you get to sit down and write! Whether it's about a new cast of characters, or some that you have long since become friends with. Instead of plopping down in the chair staring blankly at the computer screen, wishing you had something else to do {facebook and hulu are my tools of procrastination} you should hardly be able to keep your fingers from grazing those keys every time you walk past your computer.Now, I know that for a lot of people, that isn't the case. I know for the last several months it certainly hasn't been the case with me. I've been making excuse after excuse not to edit my NaNovel, trying to just ignore it, hoping that one day I'll open up Word and see that it edited itself and that it's perfect. It, unfortunately, doesn't work that way, no matter how much I may wish it to be so. There are a lot of days where I have sat down, that thick stack of paper in my lap, red pencil in hand, and cried. I hate reading my own work, because my inner editor just kicks my arse. I get so depressed, and what makes it worse, is that I have words that have come out of a "friends" mouth that just devastated me. This "friend", while I was working on finishing my very first book, told me that I "shouldn't bother with it, because you will never finish it, and you will never get an agent. Nobody will publish you. Lots of people have been writing longer than you have and are better than you, and they don't get published." Nice friend, huh? My Inner Editor constantly takes those words, uttered by somebody who was supposed to be supportive and, well, friendly, and slam them against me, making me see my work as utter crap.
So tomorrow, I will be sitting down to my first day of script writing. I have the whole month planned out, with page milestones every week, and my goal is to finish it like I did NaNo, two whole days early. Now, Jenni, I don't know if you are doing it too, but I just have one rule for you. You are NOT allowed to finish two whole WEEKS early! Hehe, you know I love you.
Now, before I shiver myself onto the floor, I will sign off, finish my new queue list on Hulu, then I shall finish mapping out that darned 2nd Act. Until tomorrow!
